Stuff I Think About

1. You know, I really haven’t had much time to think about my uncle’s death, which is probably good, because when I think of people when they die, it’s usually how I’ve wronged them, and it takes a good deal of time for me to really remember the good. Last night I had a dream about him. Now, I don’t believe in a god. I sort of believe in the universe working the way it does just because. But there are sometimes when it seems to me that people have connections with others beyond the surface. For years, I had a recurring dream that I was dying of cancer. I chalked that up to being afraid of my own mortality, and shrugged it off, but I think I was wrong. When my mom died of cancer, the dreams stopped and I haven’t had one since. I think that dream was more about my being afraid to lose HER someday to cancer. Ken and I have both had what he calls “prophetic” dreams, but I’m not sure about that, I just think our subconscious knows a lot more than we do.

So I had a dream about my uncle last night. It was, interestingly, the same dream I had of my mother for a long time, and occasionally, my grandmother. In this dream, the person is not exactly alive, but not dead. Sort of a ghost, but more like a life hanging by a string, but after death. Whatever, I can’t explain it. The person will seem to not really understand that they are dead. It’s like they are grasping at the last straw of life they have. And I have to tell them,”You’re dead”  so that they can move on. And then they vanish. I dreamed that about my uncle last night, and I woke up feeling sad because I don’t want to have that dream about my uncle Bob. I just want him to be here. I already miss talking about fate and coincidence with him. We both love coincidences and chance happenings, usually of time of day or date or place where events occur. (It is possible that he died on my mom’s birthday, which just makes me want to call him and tell him…”Check this out…you died on Mom’s birthday!”) So anyway, the dream tells me I’m dealing with it in an okay way.

2. I worry like hell about Josh. I see the state my sister is in, due to having shit for social services in Illinois, and I don’t want my son to have to navigate a system that is shit in the first place, and dangerous in the second, and third, that he will always need help navigating. We know we will probably have to move out of the state to give him any chance at all. I know people won’t like it, but we have to do what’s right for Josh and Elizabeth, and Illinois is the butthole of the U.S. when it comes to social services. Ken and I both really like California, and they are #13 as far as taking care of people with autism. I assume that’s around the bigger cities, but that’s a helluva lot better than being #50 (WTF, Illinois???). I can trade tornadoes for earthquakes and possibly falling into the ocean someday.

3. I recently discovered the similarity between panic attacks and anger attacks. I’ve had anger attacks AND panic attacks all  my life. The only thing that helps the anger is medication, period. I can sometimes get through the panic attacks without a chill pill. The only difference is with an anger attack, it’s usually emotional frustration along with the symptoms of panic. It’s people with high irritability who get anger attacks, so of course a lot of bipolar people have them, because what is the number one symptom of bipolar disorder? IRRITABILITY. Another symptoms is over-reaction to small irritations. I think by now people know it really doesn’t take much to set us off. Now that I know this, I feel less crappy about having anger or overreaction that I simply can’t help. Yep, I take the meds, but anger is a part of me. It’s not because I don’t try to be calm, it’s not because I don’t take meds and it is not because I don’t know Jesus. It’s CHEMISTRY in the BRAIN.

4. Gosh my back feels better.

5. This morning I planted some more geraniums around one of our trees, and transplanted an iris. I have lots more to do but I’m taking it slow.  I have learned my lesson. I’m done with getting stuff all done in one day.